[pylduck.com]
quack quack: duck speak

Greetings. You are here:

[shadowy@pylduck.com]
Go [Buffy]
Powered by [Blogger]
[out-linx] / [R-KIVE]
[Be My Sugar]
AIM: kcudlyp / ICQ: 22746951
« i kiss boys »
«  -5  BoyLOGS +5  ?  »

Saturday, June 23, 2001
 
[The Independent Weekly] is one of the local free weekly newspapers. The latest issue has a cover story on gay artists. The cover [photo] is of two rubber duckies kissing (among other things). Smiles!
Watched [Pi] this evening after dinner at [Spotted Dog Restaurant]. Didn't understand the movie. Wasn't too impressed with the restaurant. Wasn't expecting a black-and-white movie. The space of the restaurant is kind of interesting -- the building is at the convergence of two roads, so it is triangular. Migraines, pi, number theory, the Kabbalah, the stock market, what? Dog-stuff names for the food (my entree: chicken rollover).
I just don't understand my body. I don't understand my sleep-wake rhythm. Do I even have one? Sometimes I just get hit by these waves of utter exhaustion. I try to stay awake, but I just can't. Last night, I valiantly tried to make tea to caffeinate myself. But as the water was boiling, I dozed off. The whistle on the kettle woke me up (it took a few seconds, though) once. I poured water over the tea bag. Then as I was waiting for the tea to steep, I lay back in bed. And then the fiercest clap of thunder and lightning flash -- seemingly right outside the bedroom window -- woke me up again. But then I went back to sleep after checking on Joe. And I never managed to get up to drink the tea. Err... So I'm making more now! Mornings feel so much better to me after I've had a full night's sleep (nine hours? ten?). I'm really still trying to find that perfect balance of sleep, though. Because too much sleep makes me feel cranky, too. Or just lethargic all day.

My friend at [Stanfurd] is going to see the pilot episode of Buffy! I am soooo jealous. I wonder if the story is the same as in the series premieres. I have a vague recollection of a description by Joss Whedon somewhere that it isn't. And Willow is definitely not the same. She's played by a non-Alyson Hannigan actor, that is. I want to be in the Bay Area.

Friday, June 22, 2001
 
And the following day, his faith in humanity was restored. Somewhat. It appears as if someone returned the library book I left on the bus to the library. It's been discharged and is sitting on a cart waiting for reshelving. Thank you to my guardian angel, whoever you are. The day has been much better as well in general. Talked with the graduate program assistant about what needs to go on the web page. She's a little on the too-talkative side, but I can't fault her for her friendliness.
Thursday, June 21, 2001
 
How do people decide what other people's intentions are? What makes someone give another the benefit of the doubt? What determines how people see someone's actions as mistakes vs. egregious disregard vs. malicious intent? Questions of the law, certainly, but also everyday determinations. When does a person forgive another for a "harm"? What excuses count as adequate? (Time to re-read J. L. Austin's "A Plea for Excuses.") These questions are fascinating to me, and I do believe they are fundamental to figuring out how we relate to each other in all sorts of ways. They are also bound up, I think, in subject-object relations, in how people perceive the world and others. Is our relation to the world always / automatically / initially hostile? What would it mean to assume that the world isn't out to get you, that people aren't always going to shaft you because they're looking out for their self-interest first and foremost? What if we were to claim as bankrupt the philosophical underpinnings of Game Theory, competitive self-interest, capitalism?

I'm just tired. Observing people making harsh judgments and assumptions that seem utterly unwarranted. And I know it's usually not personal, but it still hurts. That general sort of shock that the world is a bitter place. I can't keep believing that the world is a happy and kind place. But if I stop, I know I wouldn't be able to go on. And I don't want to live a life resigned to a belief in the essential or at least unchangeable disregard of people for others.

It's the day from hell. Nothing seems to be going right. Left a library book on the bus. There goes another $100 (to replace it). Had my t-shirt on inside-out, noticing half-way through class. Web pages I worked on yesterday look completely awful on large screens. Argh.
Spent most of the day off-and-on asleep. I really need to stay away from the bed during the day. But also, little things can send me into these sleep-loops -- when I get frustrated by something. It's definitely an escape mechanism. Wish I had something a little more productive as my escape, though. Like reading. Or exercising. Or anything else, really.

In any case, the day was mostly wasted. And I didn't get in touch with Elizabeth in time about going out to Raleigh early tomorrow morning to see [Patrick] and Nick off on the [Raleigh-DC AIDSRide]. So we're not going. I am so lazy.

Wednesday, June 20, 2001
 
Love the new layout at [Shy-Shy's]. Naughty, naughty.
Have you ever had a moment of panic, afraid that thinking that your heart can stop might make it stop?

The optometrist I went to a few weeks ago sent me a thank you card. How strange.

The bill for my mole surgery finally came in its last incarnation (i.e., with the balance that I need to pay).

Tuesday, June 19, 2001
 
There are some pretty fantastic, grotesque insects outside at night during the summer. They're really quite amazing; large, strange-looking creatures crawing and flitting about. One I saw coming in last night looked like a gigantic, overfed ant. Must have been so juicy inside, mmmm.
Monday, June 18, 2001
 
Of course I have to write about how uncomfortable I was at the party tonight. (When I was driving back in my air conditioned car, I realized that I can now write blog entries on the notepad of my Palm. Makes me giddy. No more "mental notes" to write something or scrawled notes on scraps of paper. There might even be some sort of application I can use to sync entries with Blogger. Hmmmm.) But then I also wonder why I torture myself by going to these things if they really stress me out so much. I do feel obligated to go for a few reasons. But I think the most insistent driving force is my wish to be less afraid of people. I want to be able to talk to people if I wish. Maybe forcing myself to go to parties isn't the best way to go about desensitizing myself or something. But I don't really what else to do.

The heat and closed-ness of the rooms. Stifling. I think I really am mildly claustrophobic and people-crowd-phobic. The people didn't really spread out around the available area. They were all gathered (as usual) around the dessert and beverages tables. I sought out the wide open space (under skylights!) under the ceiling fan, a nice breeze in the otherwise stuffy room.

Talked mostly to the other graduate students there. Said hello to a few professors. Chatted briefly with one stranger who seemed to have sought me out as someone she could talk to about Asia (she studied Asian theater). Had lots of champagne. Mmmmm. Bubbly.

But there were also many awkward moments when I sort of stood around by myself. And when I tried to insinuate myself into a conversation -- even one between people I knew -- it never really worked. And I would sulk off to another corner.

Oh, Elizabeth's peach and blackberry cobbler was so good! The crust was amazing and the fruit just oozed with flavor. I think I've discovered where all the extra weight I've gained this year is coming from -- desserts. I never was much of a dessert person, but I've been having a lot of it since I've come down to Durham. And been walking much less.

Sunday, June 17, 2001
 
Am having so much fun with my new toy. It makes little beeping and clicking noises. Just the kind of thing to amuse me.

Potluck this evening with three fellow graduate students. I don't think I've eaten dinner alone with Joe all weekend. Hmmm...

It was quite a nice(r) day today. Still very warm -- I think it got up into the 90s -- but so much less humid than it has been. The difference was amazing. And the sky was clear!!! Blue skies!!! Giddy with delight at the sun and the toy. Now to sleep.

Now I have a [Palm Pilot]. (Though they don't seem to be called Pilots officially.) Went out and bought one today. It's sitting next to my laptop now, charging in the cradle. I can't wait -- three more hours before I can play with it!! (Initial charge takes four hours.) I probably went over-board with this purchase, but it will be very useful and practical etc. etc. And fun. Fun fun fun. I love new toys.

. . .

A friend's going-away party yesterday evening. I wandered aimlessly around the small space of the party, not knowing anyone and definitely not knowing how to talk to strangers. I get so nervous when I try to talk to new people. Very strange. I need to learn how to control my physiological responses, I think. I heat up incredibly quickly and start sweating. The other day, I was talking to some people in my class during the midterm, and my glasses started steaming up. Grrrrr. After that party, to a potluck/movie gathering with the Men of Imani (the local [MCC]). Watched an episode of Queer as Folk. If we got Showtime, I would definitely watch that show. Crazy soap opera, yes, but all the little things that go into how the gay characters relate to each other is fascinating, erotic, and validating. One scene, Brian is upset/sad about his relationship with his son; Justin crawls out of bed to comfort him, playful kisses, killing him with kindness, a strange, unspoken rapport between the two and a sense of depth in their relationship.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?